My mother in law picked up that onesie for our new little GIRL at the Creation Museum! She said that we are just going to love this baby no matter what! In one of my early conversations with Barbara my beloved duola she reminded me of the same. No matter what happens this baby was created in God's image! You know how things happen at just the right timing? It is no accident. I believe that there is a reason and purpose behind EVERYTHING!
When "rumors of this baby's demise" first started I managed to avoid the "why" and the "why me" questions. But it is funny how the questions started to come when we were getting the good news. After the initial shock of the turn around/healing I started thinking "why us and not somebody else?"
In May when I first discovered I was pregnant, a woman that writes a blog I follow discovered that she was pregnant too. Like our due dates were a day apart. At 7 weeks she felt like something was up with her pregnancy. She went from being super sick to feeling great so she went to her midwife and got an ultrasound. Everything ended up being fine, in fact, she learned that she was carrying twins! I don't actually know her but I was super happy for her and I started to think of her often. Last week she updated her blog after a long break and shared her story. While on vacation she ended up miscarrying one of her twins and then a week later gave birth to the other twin. But she was way too early and small to survive and lived for about 40 minutes. My heart broke and is still breaking for her. Plus, I was overwhelmed by reading a story that was so similarly predicted for me. Her July ended the way that mine was supposed to end. And for the first time started wondering "why her and why not me?" Here I am in August still pregnant.
I don't think that there is anything special about us or our situation. I wish that I could tell other people going through something similar that everything is going to be okay. The thing is I did not think that things would be okay for us either. I remember telling Phil early on that I just had a feeling that this was going to be a long and drawn out process. I also remember feeling like always before I could tell myself that "everything was going to be alright" and in this case I just could not say or feel like it was. That was a scary place for me to be.
How do you accept the unknown in a logical way? And how do you help others? For me it was taking the focus off of myself explaining the facts to the ones around me who were going through this grief with us. And telling them that I have no answers. Like I said earlier, I believe that things happen for a reason and have a higher purpose. A purpose that may not present itself until later. Maybe even years later.
Why did this happen? I don't know.
How did we get to a regular 18 week baby check? It had been 4 weeks since I had an ultrasound and we were comforted by NOT knowing what was going on with the baby. We had been on information overload for far too long and the month break was nice! I convinced Phil to come with me to my appointment. It is a good thing that he came because my appointment turned out to be all ultrasound! The tech that did our original ultrasound did this one too. I asked her if she remembered us from the beginning of the summer and she did! I could tell that she was excited to see what was going on with the baby. I was nervous and surprised that we were even doing an ultrasound! Yikes. So here we go:
She can tell right away that this miracle baby is officially a girl! And she is moving all over the place! She was really active just like all of the ultrasounds have been. Her heart rate was around the 150 range and NORMAL! Yay! Some "normal" news right off the bat!
Here she is putting her thumb up to her mouth!
The tech then tells me that she had a similar ultrasound with her third baby. She says that there was some concern about her baby at first but the problems cleared up in a later ultrasound and she now has a perfectly healthy and beautiful 4 year old daughter. She says that this is the reason that she did not say anything to me during that first ultrasound. I feel like this clears up some fuzziness in my brain from that first visit. She then says "why, did they scare you?" Um, YES. We tell her about our second ultrasound and she has no explanations for that one. I kept saying: "I am just so happy to be here." I keep thinking about my blogging "friend" who is not.
The high risk doctor knocks on the door and comes in. Apparently he has been watching the whole ultrasound from the other room. Like a guardian angel? He comes in and wants to see the "miracle baby" for himself. We look at the heart again and he makes sure that the amniotic sac has attached. It was sagging a little bit at the last ultrasound but today it is perfectly placed. Again he says his famous/favorite words "rumors of this baby's demise were premature!" He is happy and let's me know that he is always there for me if the need arises but "the less you see of me the better." Those are sweet words to my ears as well. He has certainly proved himself in that area. He has always been right there in the office, in the ultrasound room, at my appointments. I wonder if maybe he is having a hard time letting go? Maybe I am too! I decide that I want to make him proud. I want this happy ending for him too!
Our baby girl is so tiny and at 18 weeks. I think she has a little "Who" face. You know the Who's from the Grinch and "Horton Hears a Who." I read "The Grinch that Stole Christmas" to Luke the other night and discover that he has a small 3 year old crush on Cindy Lou Who. What 3 year old boy wouldn't? We tell him that he is getting a sister and he says "let's name her Brother?" Don't you love 3 1/2 year olds?
SO happy to be here and writing this post. Not so happy about the 10 pound weight gain that accumulated over the past month. But is it probably a good thing? No more worry/stress/grief pregnancy diet that resulted in lost pounds. I do feel big for 18 weeks though. This baby wants to be SEEN! I have some catching up to do on getting the word out. Spread the word!